All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 107. 41 Positive Affirmations & Positive Quotes To Treasure I am calm, patient and at peace. 22. This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed. 20 Most Powerful Affirmations Because Thoughts Become Things 220. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Enjoy! Microchips. The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. 20 Positive Affirmations You Can Use to Inspire Your Life - Mindvalley Blog It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. Boost your ego and narcissism in as little as 5 minutes per day and set yourself up for success. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 90. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. I am lazy till I get a motive. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. Please do your own research before making any online purchase. With a cowculator. I am here to live to the fullest. Albert Einstein, 190. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 189. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. 210. You wanna know who Im in love with? I just go normal from time to time. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. 258. George Burns, 253. Funny Wednesday Work Quotes. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 80. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. 84. And a funny bone. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. 9. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. 60 Happy Friday Funny Memes Day of the Week - FunZumo I will smile while I still have my teeth. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. 120. 3. 60. With time, I have started to value more time. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. Ben Hogan. 183. 69. 133. 228. What is the tallest building in the entire world? 5. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 126. 125. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. It makes them so damned mad. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Steven Alexander Wright God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 96. - Donald Trump. Top 10 Funny Affirmations For Self-Esteem, Funny Daily Affirmations To Boost Your Energy, Funny Positive Affirmations For Confidence, 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 142. 165. I get it nowIm single because Im a superhero., See also: 140 Single Quotes For Instagram Celebrating Single Life. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. New year, new me. 39 Funny Positive Affirmations [Feel Happier Instantly] I am intelligent. 5. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. When nothing is going right, go left. 260. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. Youre talking to yourself. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. It doesnt work if it is not open. 26. 31. 278. A wishbone. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 119. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.". Friday Affirmations: 20 Affirmations to Wind Down the Week When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. For beginners who still struggle with letting their voice out, I recommend starting with funny affirmations that will relax you and make you laugh. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldnt even jump puddles for you., 13. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Art doesnt transform. My mind is becoming much sharper. Lorrin L. Lee. 2. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. I am full of vitality. 278. 38. I can create positive change in the world. 1. 72. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. I love living in my unique female body. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. It may feel useless but just get into it. Your email address will not be published. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. 74. Pat Sajak Does it count if you say them in your mind? 211. 47. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. The Only 100 Positive Affirmations You Will Ever Need 2. Short Funny Quotes. 181. 231. 98. 135. 121. 128. Declare your affirmations slowly and clearly. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. 7. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. Be careful when you follow the masses. 150. 250. 97. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. 6. Steve Martin, 254. Benjamin Franklin. We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. You have to go after it with a club. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. I will create my own magic like my name is J. K. Rowling. 19 Positive Affirmations That'll Change the Way You Think When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. 55. Nobody gets out alive anyway. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. The best things in life are free. Sometimes I am so freaking awesome, I blow my own mind. - Roy T. Bennett. These affirmations will help you to combat the lies of the enemy in every aspect of your life. 78. 46. I am on a seafood diet. 62 Funny Inspirational Quotes to Motivate Your Team Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 194. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. 221. Exercise? Sometimes the M is silent. In between, I am alive. 134. 14. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. You can only be young once. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. - Benjamin Franklin. It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness. Never take life seriously. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. 12. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. Bill Murray You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. 218. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. 161. Actually, you dont have to imagine. 10. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. 117. 188. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Snowballs. 196. 60 Short & Funny Motivational Quotes to Laugh About - Wealthy Gorilla .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 1,132 Positive Affirmations: Your Daily List of - Develop Good Habits I wish my wallet came with free refills. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 249. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. I did not trip and fall. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. As long as I have friends as weird as me, I have everything. 199. 251. 266. 141. Build a bridge. Infographic: Why Do People Swipe Right (or Left) on Tinder. 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter (2023) Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. 84. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Breasts dont have eyes. 7. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. 83. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 1. 10 Funny Affirmations That Will Put A Smile On Your Face - QuoteReel 1. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. 56. "Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.". Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. grateful. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Theres no stopping me now. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. Bill Murray Funny Affirmations. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! 113. 206. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. 24. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. 86. 26. As you can see, laughter is already a powerful tool on its own. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. - Catherine Pulsifer. 111. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. 33. Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. "Today will be a great day". See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. And a funny bone. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? 211. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. HAM AND EGGS A days work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Effective pushing often involves poop. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 234. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Sincerely, yourself. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. Live life to the fullest. Dont forget to drink water and get some sun. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. In between, I am alive. 213. So, here's our compilation of funny work quotes that are perfect for every workplace: Image Source: Unsplash. Description for this block. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. 2. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. 63. He who laughs last didnt get it. 8. 117. 222. Only two more days until Friday.". I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. My jokes do. 38. Short Positive Affirmations - 110 Powerful Affirmations - Mindbless 62. 28. Send me the link. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! 21. Helen Giangregorio. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. Remember, no one can make you feel anything other than what YOU allow yourself. Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life Life is filled with highs and lows, sometimes, we need some inspirational quotes to help us overcome challenges of life and offer guidance to us. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. Snowballs. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Jackie Collins It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. A wishbone. My mistakes dont define me. Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up. - Kyle Chandler. Im describing you. Bill Murray 4. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. 60 Happy Affirmations That Instantly Make You Feel Better 69. 102. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. 99. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Bill Murray, 258. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. I create my life on a quantum level. Your habits become your values. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. I enjoy every minute of it. 87. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Superwoman: single. Not everyone has good taste. 160. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Short Positive Daily Affirmations. I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. I celebrate the highs, learn from the lows and now I release it into the past. Gary Delaney Happy Birthday.". People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? 276. 77. Best friends eat your food. I try to see the funny side of every situation. 118. Short Funny Affirmations. 112. People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. Ken Dodd, 255. Im like a postage stamp. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. 240. 64. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. 63. 28. 161. Required fields are marked *. The 50 Funniest Inspirational Quotes - Curated Quotes 67. 35. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Flip Wilson You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. 175. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know A quote to live by for when life gets bitter. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. 267. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". It was created to do amazing things. 226. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. 270. But it'll move up again.". And one of the fundamental truths in life is that they will make . Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. I feed my spirit. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! 13. I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". 166. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. Your email address will not be published. Words have the power to make or break us. 24. When they go away, its a brighter day. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. 79. It gets toad away. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. I dont cross oceans for people who wouldnt cross puddles for me. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. They make you change without hurting your self-esteem. This is a good thing because affirmations are supposed to be associated with happiness and positive emotions. - Billie Burke. No No NOYes. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. A mind is like a parachute. George Burns There are endless opportunities. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. I receive what I believe. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? Im a work in progress without a completion date., See also: 120 Ultimate Best Quotes About Progress To Fuel Your Growth. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. 226. Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Bill Gates. 79. Not a peli-cant. 100 Funny Monday Quotes and Sayings - Inside Of Happiness Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Albert King. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 74. 180+ Positive Affirmations For Kids To Boost Motivation And Confidence Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. Oh sheet! 3. Socrates. 236. Lily Tomlin 49. 6. 20. 8. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. 203. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. Consider what you want to accomplish using these witty affirmations, and go for the ones that will bring you closer to that goal. 109. 207. 116. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. Its a door, thats how they work. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Keep your affirmations in the present. No matter what I look like. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become.